Against the Spin

A Brief Lesson in How to Die Without Dignity on the Cricket Pitch

#5

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RffEQsXdLZA#t=2m6s

Match 53: Rajasthan Royals vs. Kolkata Knight Riders

Eden Gardens, Kolkata, 17 April 2010

We start with what could be excused as the regrettable yet fairly idiotic faux pas of an ex-rookie batsman, boldly in search for his puzzlingly elusive big break. Paras Dogra comes out to bat at number seven, at a time when the Royals could use the odd extra run, to put it mildly. Having amassed a measly 103 runs by the sixteenth over, we see glimpses of Warne stoically praying to the mercurial gods of T20 cricket to shower their blessings in the form of much-needed runs on the Royals’ threadbare board. Dogra gets off the mark with a couple of shaky singles—somewhat dismissible as the unavoidable result of the adjustment period.

Then comes the rub—Murali Karthik bowls an absolute stunner, pitched just outside the line of leg stump to turn plumly towards that mystifying middle stump. And Dogra is apparently dumbfounded by this little man’s hop skip and jump, because he misses the ball entirely, and decides instead that it’s time for this mute Tarzan to call his Jane by reverse-swinging his bat wildly in a seemingly ferocious display of strength, only to topple in a hapless mess to his left as the ball happily hits the wicket. As he scrambles to gather his skirts, an unruffled Karthik casually completes his run up, deciding to let out an indulgent smile at the very end. Let’s just say, we know who got the girl.

#4

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7autm2QEWbo#t=1m41s

Match 11: Chennai Super Kings vs. Delhi Daredevils

Feroz Shah Kotla, Delhi, 19 March 2010

There are run outs and there are run outs. Miscommunication is an inexcusable yet fairly common vice that batsmen have fondly harbored since time immemorial, ranging from shoddy hand signals, fatally misplaced assumptions and even the odd unheard call (which, to some extent, is pardonable in the IPL, given the blaring trumpets, screaming fans and deafening Bollywood music echoing off of the pavilions). But then, there are run outs of a different variety—those elicited by an overly optimistic sprightly batsman who just must leave his crease in search for greener pastures, regardless of whether he has averted the ball from the danger zone or not.

Case in point: After a solid start for the Super Kings with 21 runs on the board by the end of the second over, Parthiv Patel is clearly not satisfied, decides he can wait no more and makes a dash for a run where there is none. Having faced a killer yorker delivered by Dirk Nannes, he somehow comes to the conclusion that stealing a run while the ball ambles lazily right in front of him is a revolutionary idea that he will look to patent after this match. A glimpse into his thought process: things were looking up, decent run rate, even Hayden hadn’t failed yet–perhaps an impulse to be bizarrely unconventional? Maybe an urge to want to etch an indelible mark in the history of cricketing gaffes renders him strangely light-footed at the thought that he may actually be known for being more than just India’s most underdeveloped-looking opening batsman? In the end he gets his wish: AB De Villiers snatches the ball and terminates Patel’s short, yet fleetingly sweet innings. It’s all right Patel; at least you can run back to the dressing room uninterrupted?

#3

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=km0HM9225u4#t=2m34s

Match 47: Delhi Daredevil vs. Mumbai Indians

Brabourne Stadium, Mumbai, 13 April 2010

Paul Collingwood pays tribute to Patel’s breathtakingly inspiring dismissal and decides he too wants to run defiantly, against all odds, and against any bastion of reason. But he wants to elevate the plane of indisputable idiocy—with four wickets down and an asking rate of 10.1 runs per over, the Daredevils are struggling to meet their target, and Collingwood enters in response to their desperate cry for help. Sadly for the red-bottomed men in blue, Collingwood’s nervous tick gets the better of him. After hastily failing in his attempt to put away the ball towards the leg side, he scampers off in a fit of defiance anyway, despite a clear vision of a rapidly approaching Kieron Pollard on a mission to displace his bails. Somewhere, Collingwood joins Patel in a land unknown, where the pain of broken promises to save one’s wicket is but a dwindling memory, and where the hills are alive with the sweet sound of their scampering, unfettered feet.

#2

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ArhpG_JFFLA#t=2m41s

Match 23: Kings XI Punjab vs. Kolkata Knight Riders

Mohali, Chandigarh, 27 March 2010

Kumar Sangakkara reveals his penchant for impulsively breaking out into dainty pirouettes on the cricket pitch in this particularly befuddling dismissal. Having finally attaining double figures in a tournament that hadn’t done much for him so far in the batting department, the Kings XI skipper has comfortably made 30 runs, when he is also regrettably overtaken by a fleeting sensation of cerebral failure. As most batsmen are wont to do in these mentally paralyzing situations, he makes the lamentable decision to go for a reverse sweep—and no surprises when his attempt falls flat (literally) and he gets stumped by the KKR keeper. But what makes this dismissal exceptionally tragic (other than the fact that he completely misses the ball despite having been on the crease for almost half the innings) is the poignancy with he rhythmically sacrifices his crucial wicket. He sets aside any manly inhibitions he may never have possessed, and lets his lumbering body gracefully rotate with the pitiful disorientation of a bloated swan. He may now be seen coaching his esteemed underlings on how to perfect this routine at a cricket pitch near you.

#1

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=QdiBlDHC8nQ#t=1m25s

Match 1: Kolkata Knight Riders vs. Deccan Chargers

DY Patil, Mumbai, 12 March 2010

And now, the single most mind-bogglingly dumbfounding dismissal in this year’s IPL: Rohit Sharma’s unforgettably baffling shot in the tournament’s inaugural match—a shot so utterly perplexing that it inspired the noble endeavor of this humble blog post. Sharma decides to gift Angelo Matthews his first wicket of the series by briskly swinging his bat in a most bizarre manner straight towards a fielder at mid-off. How can this shot be described? Is he playing tennis? Is he swatting a fly? Unclear. What is clear is that Sharma threw away his wicket and the Chargers’ last chance at chasing their target towards victory. And to add insult to injury, watch as Sharma takes the walk of shame back to the dressing room. Is he solemnly reflecting over a momentary lapse of consciousness, you suggest? But nay! Sharma’s defiant practice strokes post his debacle of a dismissal scream, “Watch me swing the bat stylishly as I show the world what I actually meant to do!” Indeed, Sharma’s disastrous shot pioneered what would be the first of many catastrophically comic slip-ups that this year’s IPL had to offer. Thank you?

Honorable Mention

Yuvraj Singh. Need I say more?